What can happen when we take consciousness-raising to the streets? Perhaps it's not always good; which brings to light the importance of women's strength in numbers, and creating spaces that are safe to talk about and play with identities and expectations, and the importance of having clear boundaries and containment around those spaces and times we create to do this kind of transformational work.
So this person at a Berkeley café last night is sitting next to me. We start talking because I apologize for having a slightly long cell phone conversation in the cafe kind of near hir and I know ze's studying. I knew I was quiet enough, I knew it was fine - but I felt like I should apologize. Why should I apologize when I've done nothing wrong in a public space? In cafés people talk, and I was speaking even more quietly than a lot of other people were. Does my constructed idea or assumed gendered identity of being a 'nice' [woman] or 'sweet' [young lady?] have something to do with this? Or is it just that I'm a genuinely nice person? I've known males who are kind of unnecessarily hyper-courteous in the same way to the general public. Is it just a personal choice, gender-related, circumstantial/contextual, or psychic/spiritual, even - what motivates us to behave the way we do in any given moment? Sometimes over-apologizing can be an assertion of class, and sometimes an expression of submission. And sometimes it can be genuine concern for others, or an obsession with self.
These are the kinds of head trips I go through, dradz [is there a non-gender substitute for 'dudes'?]. . . . [case in point].
Ze starts asking me a lot of of questions. Ze's a political science major, I'm a sociology major, there's some crossover - OK, cool. I'm humoring hir, kind of. I need to study but I'm letting it go on for a few minutes. I start noticing everything is cool about our conversation except there's a tendency now that I notice coming up where ze doesn't let me finish a sentence to the full end - like ever. Ze's basically nudge nudge nudging me the whole time. But overall we are laughing, smiling, I can tell ze thinks I'm attractive, and I am trying not to be too charming because ze is getting a little excited about our conversation and I don't want it to go that way.
Now, WCRG, you know me. I'm not easily silenced or controlled in conversation, to the point of annoying other people sometimes. Furthermore, I've been doing research and calls to domestic violence hotlines all week, so I've got a keen eye out for typical dominant or controlling behaviors. This can start so subtly in conversations, with small motions, imposed assumptions and expectations of common gendered behavior in others.
Ze asks me what I want to do after graduation and is now acting a bit shocked that I say I want to work to support female leadership in general everywhere because that's where I think a balanced and peaceful world will truly begin: in balanced equal leadership, social relations, and institutions. Ideology is formed by institutions, not the other way around, as is so commonly believed - for more on this read Chapter 7, Fighting Poverty in the US and Europe:The Ideology of Redistribution (Alesina and Glaeser 2004).
Well this is obviously upsetting to hir. What? ze asks. Well. Hm. What do you think of Hillary Clinton?
There's clear aggression and only a small portion of genuine curiosity being offered here in these two questions.
I say, rather authoritatively, though aiming for the tone of a real United Nations diplomat (and failing a bit I think, in honest reflection) -
I don't think that the larger domain of the greater effects of balanced global female leadership should be analyzed piecemeal by critical analyses of individuals. I think that idea - an obsessive focus on the individual rather than the collective - is part of the overarching problem. It takes away focus on collective responsibility, collective bargaining, collective reasoning, and collective interests. Sure, I have some good things and some negative things I could say about Clinton, but the whole of her contributions to society can not yet be accurately defined or praised by dissecting any manifestation of her persona or politics on any given day, past or present. Change is inherent, and no one person is ever to blame, punish, or praise: I think this awareness needs to be brought into politics and social discourse of all kinds in general in the States. And I think adding more female voices will lead to that kind of holistic analysis. And I think that's when we can even begin to start analyzing what is working and what isn't.
Behind every movie star are cinematographers, writers, Port-o-pottie clean up crews, friends, parents, teachers, directors, trailer maintenance crews, lovers from years ago that brought depth to a small special gesture now infused into words spoken under a camera.
Isn't the source of true grace nearly untraceable? I am not talking Jesus here, for the record.
[OK, I didn't say the movies/grace/Jesus part to hir. And ze probably wouldn't have understood me anyways. Maybe you don't either. That's fine, ask me later if you feel like it.]
Anyhoo. Ze was hardly going to allow this epic monologue to occur without interruptions beginning less than halfway through - whatever, fine, I roll with it, I'm being what again? - 'nice'. Hmmm.
Ze relentlessly, though somewhat gently, continues bullying us on in conversation, bringing to light that society is so much more sex-imbalanced in other countries than the U.S.; ze is shocked that I might suggest that things are so terrible here still.
I cite that domestic violence occurs much more frequently to females in this country than males. I don't have the exact statistics, but I am absolutely sure of it. But I ask hir, if ze believes things are better here, wouldn't the impetus continue to be on the American people to support every last inch of women's full equality - if we are to "set a good example" - or however one might choose to (non-arrogantly) phrase it - for these other extremely polarized countries?
Ze asks me how I will do all this. (Awesome question!) Where the hell should we start? Well. . . talking to each other is the best way, I think and say. Then I mention that I do agree what many Americans are expressing now in that altering our legislative process and electoral system is a huge first step towards better social equality since, again, institutions and policies shape ideologies, personal lives and individual opportunities. I explain that I want to lobby for no lobbying, basically. Not much different than much of what we are seeing many Americans want right now, and have for years: I want corporations and media-driven politics out of government. I want real democracy.
Ze is supportive of this idea. Ze tells me ze might want to study law. Fantastic. Cool, let's both take Reich's public policy class next semester! - ze says. I think we're working up some energy and a similar platform to work with and then. . . .
oh, then.
I begin to look up the class, my laptop on my actual lap. I have trouble for a moment with it and then ze takes my laptop off my lap and starts searching for it hirself.
In those first moments I act natural but wonder why I suddenly feel invaded. Then I realize, oh, it's because my property has been appropriated and controlled without my permission. [I could insert a lot here about my issues regarding the construction of the illusive idea of "private property" at all. . . but I'll save that for another diatribe.]
Didn't you just take my laptop from my hands without permission just now? I'll take it back, thanks.HA! - I say - see, I'm guessing (I get clearly abrasive for a moment)that you would never have done that to a man.
Ze hands it back to me. Ze's clearly beginning to feel offended. We discuss what happened for a moment and then ze lectures me with a good deal of threat in hir voice that I have no idea how real Mexican machismo would really have reacted with in that moment, that I know nothing about what true domination is, or feels like. I voice my agreement with hir: they are two different things. But experience is relative - and here we are in America, and I'm just saying - this is why I want to raise consciousness. See? - I say - you probably didn't even know you had done that, right? I'm just trying to let you know < smile smile smile >.
Ze is shocked! SO SHOCKED! Are you for real?- ze asks. Yes, I am.
Ze starts packing up hir things. I thought you were cool, ze says, I was just trying to be helpful - I - I - I was being nice. If you were having a hard time finding that class, a real machismo man would have started telling you how stupid you are.
Hm, well it didn't look or feel that way to me, I say.
You. . . just. . . eww. . . I don't believe. . . whatever - I can't - ze looks betrayed. Deeply. Ze walks briskly away without saying goodbye.
I say to hir back as ze walks away - wait, like, really?
- Not in a mean-spirited way, just as disbelieving perhaps as ze had been, though more curiously baffled, less aggressive, with less sense of betrayal.
Was this a transformational experience for hir or me, or did it increase aggression and judgment toward women for hir, further entrenching machismo habits or customs from which maybe ze had applied real work in order to depart?
Was it peaceful, or inherently violent even from the beginning, when the nudging conversational pattern began?
These are the questions I'm left with now, and I wonder how much I have to trust others to discover, discuss, define, and share their own honest reflections with me, rather than whistle-blowing on others, or making what I think might be helpful suggestions of things to which to pay attention.
I got pretty scared and called a friend for a ride home. Maybe it was just my own PTSD 'talking' - but it was late, and I had an unshakeable feeling that ze might be waiting somewhere outside to let me know what a real machismo reaction might feel like. Ze was of diminutive size. . . but the emotional landscape that it seemed ze kept rigidly in place seemed enormous.
How can we all be encouraged to mine these powerful emotional spaces? To transform shock and betrayal into bridges of understanding? To heal from even recent past wounds, like myself, and not bleed these things out into casual café conversation?
I'm thinking compassion for self and others is a fantastic place to begin.
Does it begin with self-care? I think so. Then I should get to writing some papers now I guess ;)
s.
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